Walter (con’t): Now that I’m out, the ingredients for my “recreational enhancers” are graciously provided by our very own federal government…and would you believe they allow me to cook them up myself? Ha hah! I feel like a regular Julia Child <Walter grins sheepishly> …meets Hunter S. Thompson, I suppose.
THWP: Hi Walter! How are you enjoying the springtime so far?
Walter: Well, considering I had to shoot Olivia in the face to thwart my old friend Belly’s complete obliteration of two universes, I’d say it’s gotten off to a bumpy start. But, in the overtly metaphorical spirit of rebirth that the season of the vernal equinox is famous for, I’m going to be a grandfather!! <Walter smiles ear to ear. He then grows somber>. Thank goodness Aspirin is alright…
THWP: That’s right! Congratulations are definitely in order! But, what’s this about Ibuprofen?
Walter: No, no! Not Aspirin, you thick-headed buffoon! Astros…my lovely FBI assistant!
THWP: Oh, Astrid.
Walter: Yes, That’s what I said! Aphid!
THWP: What’s your favorite thing about being insane?
Walter: Perhaps there is a silver lining to finding one’s self in the grip of utter madness: you don’t need to waste money on mind altering hallucinogens. You might think I’m talking about the all natural substitution of <Walter air quotes> “delusions of the unhinged mind”, <He points emphatically to the audience> but I’m NOT! After all I’ve seen and done, THAT is a darker place all together, and one I’d not care to visit again. No, what I refer to are all the colorful gel-capped cocktails provided to me by the state during my stay at St. Claire’s. <He sits back calmer in his chair and looks at the host> At times they would even strap me to the bed and pour the good stuff straight down my gullet. It was like college all over again!
THWP: What do you make of this “Walternate” person?
Walter: At first I didn’t much care for him, but I now admit that most of that was due to transference. I was simply projecting my own self hatred onto my doppleganger. Like screaming at the mirror. Turns out he is an honorable man. I’m afraid I’ve given him no reason to feel the same way about me. It seems, as a species, we’re programmed to hate those on opposite sides for no other reason than the blinding thought that OUR ideas are the only truth.
THWP: Tell us something about your son Peter which might surprise most folks?
Walter: He’s a big fan of hockey. Yes. He loves the Mighty Ducks!
THWP: Tell us a funny Olivia Dunham story?
Walter: We like to poke fun at this one little awkward smile she uses from time to time. It has so many meanings. Uncomfortable, uncertain, et cetera. We call it the “I really need to pee” smile behind her back, since that’s what it resembles. I attribute it to the confused and guarded emotions the poor girl must have developed growing up with Nina. Ever see THAT woman’s grin? Sometimes you can’t tell whether she’s happy or full of hate and resentment. <Walter chuckles upon remembering another Dunham blooper> I seem to recall a different instance where Olivia used the lab’s chalk board to help me sketch out a crime scene. A few minutes later she walked away with white hand prints on her hind-quarters. She must’ve had an itch. No one had the heart to tell her (plus this must have given Peter an excuse to stare). We all thought it was rather cute and endearing. When we saw the same prints the following day, it went from humorous to kind of gross. It’s true that sometimes driven people put hygiene second.
THWP: What do you think about time-travel?
Walter: I find the theory paradoxical and exhausting. Perhaps it would serve you better to ask September. Soon we shall find out the true answer, for better or…well…I’m betting on worse.
THWP: How can we fix the economic crisis?
Walter: Put all stock in Massive Dynamic! I’ve suggested to Nina that we go public, expand, and open up jobs to the general population; though I’m not certain of how receptive she was due to the way her unnaturally taut skin hinders any discernible facial expression. But, if all else fails, ask the Observers. They’re our proverbial Marty McFly bringing the almanac back in the Delorean.
THWP: Do you play cards? Got any poker tips for us, or blackjack tips?
Walter: No, sir. I have merely played the hand that God has given me. And when I didn’t like that one, I pulled an identical deck from the sleeve of my lab coat.
THWP: Who makes the best strawberry milkshake?
Walter: Come now! Is that a rhetorical question, you dolt?
THWP: Which was the best Led Zeppelin album, and why?
Walter: Led Zeppelin III. Although Immigrant Song obviously has it’s Nordic overtures, I dub it as Peter’s theme. He is, by all rights, an immigrant to this world. The song also kicks your ass when your high on the sticky stuff from the government’s personal garden.
THWP: What was the coolest Father’s Day present you ever got?
Walter: It was, of course, the timeline being rewritten, effectively bringing my son back to me. <Walter stops and stares in to space, mulling over a thought> Not quite. That was but the antecedent. The true gift was that he chose to stay with me at the crucial moment when we had to shut down the bridge between universes. It was as if Ed McMahon showed up to my door with a lifetime supply of cherry licorice strings!