THWP: You’re referring to the comicbook which shares your name?
Superman: Huh? What’s a comicbook? No, I mean Galaxy’s overhaul of The Daily Planet. Until he proves me wrong, I’m not the biggest fan of Morgan Edge.
THWP: What’s the most fun you ever had with your x-ray vision?
Superman: If I answer that they’ll start lining the changing rooms at Curves with lead. <Realizes what he said> I mean…what? <Starts to sweat>. I meant free health screenings of course! Gosh, it’s hot in here. Why’s it so hot in here?
THWP: Whatever became of Krypto the SuperDog? Where’s he at? What’s he up to?
Superman: As far as I know, my little buddy’s holding it down in the Phantom Zone. Hopefully he’s keeping Zod occupied. A cartoon dog vs mailman situation comes to mind…an evil, militant, rogue Kryptonian mailman.
THWP: Is there a woman on Earth capable of carrying a superbaby to full term? We wonder about that, especially since all of that superkicking in the womb could certainly give one pause…
Superman: Well, technically Kara is “on Earth”, but even joking about that will dredge up Smallville redneck stereotypes I’d rather not have hurled my way. We all know Maxima would have gladly welcomed the pain–man did she want it–but again, not exactly FROM Earth. I suppose Diana is the most likely candidate. Though, we’d have to use a Metropolis hospital if it turns out to be a super BOY; Rao forbid a little nub shows up on the sonogram, the Amazon doctors would trade cutting the umbilical cord and a slap on the butt for beheading and casting into the sea.
THWP: What do you miss the most, from your time growing up in Smallville?
Superman: The festivities at the annual Corn Festival. Playing footsies with Lana underneath the Cob Eating Contest table, pretending to be lost in the corn maze–even though I could see through the stalks with my x-ray vision–so I cold spend more alone time with her, and making out on the ferris wheel. Sometimes I’d burn out the ride’s generator with my “other” vision so she’d get scared and cling to me. Always got the blood pumping. Come to think of it, this worked every year without raising so much as an eyebrow. But would you expect any less from a guy who can fool everyone by simply removing his Foster&Grants?
THWP: Tell us something about your Fortress Of Solitude that might surprise most people?
Superman: Oddly enough, I don’t go there for solitude. I go to feel connected to other things. Whether it be my parents through the sunstone crystals, the virtual zoo of otherwise extinct intergalactic species, a friend stopping by for quality time or a fun little fist fight with Mongul, I’m never really alone.
THWP: Of all your superpowers, which one is your favorite, and why?
Superman: Superfuge. It’s just an extraordinarily overt use of subterfuge. Come on…I wear my costume under my work clothes, take off cheap non-prescription frames and BAM! “Where’d you come from superman?!” Really people? By the way, you guys make it soooo much easier, staring down at your smart phones all the time. Those things have pretty sophisticated cameras on them nowadays; you know how many exclusive scoops people could have of my costume change if they weren’t so oblivious? I mean, I used to change during midday in a clear glass telephone booth on a busy street…so that should give you some idea. Not trying to rub it in your face, but…yup…Superfuge! <Patent Pending>
THWP: Do you like to dance? If so, what is your favorite dance style?
Superman: Definitely not to that God-awful Soulja Boy song, I’ll tell you that much! I guess I just like any dance that doesn’t involve me sitting alone by the punch bowl.
THWP: We don’t see very much of Mr. Mxyzptlk anymore. What do you suppose ever became of him?
Superman: Haven’t seen him in at least 90 days. It’s gotten too easy–Pavlovian even–to get the little 5th Dimensional, derby-wearing weirdo to say his name backwards. I kind of feel for the guy, though. He’s taken a Kryptonite spear through the heart, been torn asunder when his universe and the Phantom Zone pulled him through simultaneously, and finally sealed off his world permanently, driven by the unadulterated fear of Superboy Prime. I’m not saying I miss the guy, but like Dwight Schrute, he sort of grows on you.
THWP Henry Cavill was cast in the role of Superman, in next year’s big “Man Of Steel” film. Your thoughts?
Superman: No disrespect to Reeve, but we finally have someone who looks like they’ll get a little enjoyment out of a fight! And why shouldn’t he? I like this guy’s good looks and intensity, but I’m mostly sold on the butt-chin! It’s like a mini JLo on his face. Good for him!
THWP: Many consider you to be the greatest superhero of all time. What do you say to that?
Superman: I’m honored. Really. I have to respectfully disagree, though. Not to sound cheesy, but the real heroes are the ones without meta powers: police, firemen, doctors, missionary workers, soldiers, EMTs, and so on. Keeping that in mind, I also have to give a shout out to my best friend Batman. The guy’s a mere mortal who stood toe-to-toe with Darkseid and then fought his way back through the timestream with a nasty case of amnesia. He’s Sherlock Holmes meets Zorro meets Freud meets Bruce Lee. I feel really overrated next to that.